Loving him was Red
by xxwolfybabyxx
Summary: "I can't love anyone now. I can't-I don't-love you. There's nothing between you and me." Maybe that was when I realised what heartbreak felt like. Or maybe that was when I realised how crazy I truly was. I didn't know, but I knew I couldn't stay in that place any more. The darkness dawned on me and I couldn't out run it. (2/2) *WARNING: Self-harm mentioned.*
1. Chapter 1

_"I can't love anyone now. I can't-I don't-love you. There's nothing between you and me." _

My blood turned cold. I almost refused to believe him. But the darkness kept creeping back into my head, making me think and feel things I didn't want too.

My heart hurt. It ached deep in my chest and I didn't know how to make it stop. _It needed to stop. _

I took a step back, like his words pushed me. I didn't know what I came in here expecting him to say but this.. this was no where near close to what I thought. Dimitri caught my expression too because I could see his eyes soften. But it meant nothing. He would never change his mind and I was left and thrown away.

I took another step back and realised I wasn't wanted here any more. Turning around sharply, I walked as quickly as I could to get away from that place.

Everything I did felt pointless now. I had a vision of him running into my arms and telling me how much he loved me. More like running into Lissas and hating me. Damn it!

When did everything get so fucked up? It almost felt like yesterday that Dimitri and I were in the cabin.. I choked on a sob as I relived that memory. Putting a hand over my mouth, I ran in the direction of the dorms. Honestly, I had no idea where I was running, but the burn in my legs was making me feel better.

Though I knew the darkness was making me react this way, the heartache and the pain was all me. Being rejected by the one you love... it hurts more then you can ever imagine. The darkness made everything ten times worse.

I headed to Lissas room but when I arrived, I heard Christian and Lissa laughing inside. I could hear music playing through the door and even though my heart was hurting, I didn't want to ruin their happiness.

Listening to the music, I felt the sobs come more frequently.

_"So this is what you meant_

_When you said that you were spent_

_And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit_

_Right to the top_

_Don't hold back_

_Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check._

_I don't ever wanna let you down_

_I don't ever wanna leave this town_

_'Cause after all_

_This city never sleeps at night" _

I sat next to the door and hugged my knees to my chest. I hated this. I hated all of it.

Sometime passed by and I realised Lissa and Christian were not coming out of her room. I slowly got on my feet and mindlessly walked back to my room.

I opened my room and looked around. Everything was in the same place as it was this morning. The bed wasn't made and the curtains were still closed. It felt normal. But it wasn't. Nothing was normal anymore.

Closing the door, I slowly sank down onto my bed and stared at the wall. I wasn't sure how long I stayed there for. Long enough for the sun to rise.

The aching in the chest never left but I slowly got used to it. It made me feel numb. I could hear girls giggling as they past my door and I felt jealous. Why couldn't my life be simple? Maybe all I was good for was killing Strigoi and making crazy, stupid plans in my head. But I definitely achieved the impossible. I broke Victor Dashkov out of prison. I brought Dimitri back to life.

I'd achieved some great things in my life. Incredible things but they all meant nothing to me now. I did all that for_ him_. And he didn't even want me!

I felt my nails dig into my hand. Looking down, I saw blood trickling out of the cuts. Physical pain got rid of the emotion pain. Didn't Lissa say something like that?

Unclenching my hand, I stared at the cuts for a moment and I felt a need to hurt myself again. This urge pulled me towards the bathroom. Razors. That's what I needed.

I pulled a razor out from my draw and started pulling it apart. I only wanted the blades.

Once I had one in my hand, I pulled my sleeve up. This was it. Lissa did it to help control her emotions and it all made sense now. I could understand why she did it. She was hurting and needed a release... much like I needed.

Looking at the soft, unbroken skin on my wrist, I put the blade on it. It was sharp and I knew that with just a slightest pressure it would slice the skin. I made sure not to cut a vain, but I didn't go lightly on the cuts. There were large, deep cuts running from one side of the wrist to the other. I knew I'd need stitches. They were the kind of cuts that didn't bleed because the fat tissue was in the way.

The pain distracted me from the ache in my chest and I couldn't be more grateful.

They were going to leave some nasty scars, but with the life I'd been given, scars were part of the job. I was going to get more then this.

I didn't bother wrapping my wrist up. The air made it sting and it made me realise all this was real._ I was real. _The darkness was causing me to see strange things. Maybe I was actually turning crazy.

Damn, I didn't think I'd go this way. I hadn't even protected Lissa properly yet. We hadn't even graduated. But the darkness was making me insane.

Just like Anna.

I felt like screaming. I needed out. For once, Rose Hathaway needed to think about herself and her own sanity. I could go back to Russia and kill more Strigoi. Because damn they needed killing. I was good at it too but I guess I owed that to my tutor.

I bit my lip and looked back down at my wrist. Tears rolled down my face once again and I slowly slide down onto the floor.

In that moment, I knew. I needed to do something with my life that didn't involve this Academy. I was going to go back to Russia, maybe even Europe and kill Strigoi.

Making my way into my bedroom, I opened my wardrobe and pulled out a duffel bag and placed it on my bed. I clenched the handed and gave the bag a little throw. I turned on my computer and put on some loud music. Something that might cover my sobs because I knew this was going to be hard to do, even though I'd done it before.

I was going to come back, I knew I was, but for now, it hurt.

Pulling clothes of the racks, I shoved them into the bag, not caring about them being folded. I let out a small scream of frustration when they didn't all fit in. The tears falling down my face in waterfalls now, dripping all over the clothes and on myself.

I let out a louder scream and chucked the bag across the room. Damn it! Why did everything happen to me!? I never wanted any of this to happen.

My wrists were now bleeding as I had caught it on the bag but I didn't care.

All this frustration, anger and hurting was being let out by all this screaming and throwing. The music didn't manage to cover the screams, but that didn't stop me.

I was surprised no one came knocking on my door.

Once I had calmed down, I grabbed my bag and left my room. Some people gave me weird stares as I passed them, but I didn't stay too long for them to notice my red eyes and wrist.

I managed to get outside with no interruptions. I did not need confrontation right now. I was scared of what I would do to someone who tried.

"Rose." I heard someone say from behind me. Jesus, I was cursed.

"Stay away." I said with an uneasy voice. The person didn't come any closer, but they looked at me with sorrow filled eyes.

"Don't leave Rose. Don't let him ruin your life."

"You don't understand," I sobbed, "I'm insane. I'm crazy and I can't be here any more. I need to protect everyone from myself. He only made me realise that."

"No, Rose. That's the darkness. You're perfect, just the way you are. I wish someone could have made you realise that. I wish I could have. But I guess you can't choose who you fall in love with." He said, his voice filled with pain and despair.

"I.. I'm sorry." Was all I said before running towards the forest.

This was it. I was finally free from that place. I didn't know when I'd be back but I knew that this was good.

_For everyone._

**Hey! I hope you liked it. I just needed to get this onto paper (or screen aha) before I forgot it! (: Please review if you enjoyed it! **


	2. Chapter 2

**I recommend listening to Born To Die - Lana Del Rey while reading this.**

It had been 3 months since I left the Academy. My sanity hadn't changed. I didn't get worse, nor did I get better.

Being back out in Russia.. It made me realise things that I hadn't seen before.

We were born to die. Every single one of us. Humans, Dhampirs and Moroi. No matter what. And if I was going to die, why not die by doing something I truly believed in. Something that I was good at.

I'd killed countless amounts of Strigoi out here. I'd also seen innocent dhampirs get killed by Strigoi. Just like Mason had been killed.

Some had their necks broken-it was quick and easy for them-some had been drained of blood and some had been left to bleed.

There were countless ways to kill someone or something. But I knew that no matter how, I was going to die in battle. And I had come to terms with that a long time ago. Now, it just needed to happen.

Some might say I was on a suicide mission out here. I didn't deny or agree. I think deep down, I was.

I hadn't kept track of Lissa out here. It hurt me. I hated leaving her and I knew I had hurt her but she hurt me too. Looking after Dimitri like that...

That was also why I didn't keep track of her. I didn't want to see Dimitri through the bond because I knew if I did, I'd break down again like I had that night.

Here I was. Standing outside a warehouse with four other dhampirs waiting to raid it. We got informed earlier in the week that Strigoi were hiding out there. We didn't get told how many, but we knew we could take them.

I'd found these fours guy while travelling and it turned out they were hunting like me. None of us were stupid, we knew that the higher numbers of us there were against them, we had an easier chance at taking them down. So we stuck together and had been fighting since.

"Okay guys, you remember the plan?" I whispered to them.

They all nodded to me and I nodded back. I pulled my stake out of my belt and held it tight in my hand. I made a motion with my hand that told them to break down the door.

The loud crash had informed the Strigoi we had arrived; which was just what we wanted.

We ran in and I saw a Strigoi charging towards my side. I prepared myself for the hit which I knew was coming and held my stake tighter.

The Strigoi knocked me off my feet and I landed against a wall. Wasting no time, I got back up and ran towards the Strigoi that hit me. It was a girl. She growled at me and we circled each other for a few moments, waiting for the other to step forwards first.

In the distance, I could hear grunts and growls from my fellow dhampirs and some of the Strigoi.

Focusing back on my Strigoi, I knew I needed to finish this. I leaped forwards and knocked the girl on her back. I held her down and tried to aim my stake in her heart but she kept moving.

Jason, one of the four guys, ran over to me and held the girl more firmly to the ground so I had a better chance at her heart. Once I had a clear target, I plunged the stake into her chest. She left out a horrid scream and stopped moving.

I jumped up and looked around the warehouse.

Wait..

where had all these Strigoi come from?

My eyes widened in shocked and I stared at the guys. Their faces matched mine as we realised we were gravely outnumbered. The best thing to do right now, was to retreat and come back with more people.

I caught Jasons eye and I knew he agreed with me. The Strigoi were slowly making their way towards us. We backed ourselves up and headed towards the door.

I wasn't sure if we were going to make it, but I knew we had to try. I had to get these guys out of here. They were my main concern right now.

Pushing them in front of me, we started to run. I could hear the Strigoi running after us and it was making my adrenaline go wild.

Once the boys made it threw the door, I did the first thing I could think of. I close it behind them. They needed to stay safe. I pulled a bookcase in front of the door, so one, the boys couldn't get back in and two, they Strigoi couldn't get out.

And neither could I.

I think I knew in that moment I was going to die. I welcomed it. I was living in misery and the more I spend living, the more I _wanted_ to die.

Someone yanked me back from the door and threw me against a wall. I let out a grunt and saw stars. Damn that hurt. A strigoi grabbed me by the hair and pulled me up. I clutched onto their hand in the hope that they didn't rip my hair out.

They threw me again on the floor. I could taste blood in the back of my throat and tried not to heave. Other Strigoi held me down while the leader-I assumed-decided what to do with me.

I could hear the guys outside trying to break in, yelling and screaming my name. This was it. I was never going to see anyone or anything again. I closed my eyes and thought of Lissa for the first time in months.

She was pacing up and down the room. She felt upset and stressed over something. In the room with her was Adrian, Christian and.. Dimitri.

The sting of claws being dug into my arms and legs brought me out of Lissas head for a moment before I concentrated harder. If I was going, I needed to see Lissa to make sure she was okay.

"Lissa.. it's been months. If Rose was going to return by now, don't you think she would have?" Christian asked her. Lissa looked at him sharply and narrowed her eyes.

"She is coming back. It's _Rose_. She's more loyal then a golden retriever." She told him. I felt my heart ache from her words._ If only you knew Liss. I'm so sorry. I failed you. _I thought, feeling tears prickling in my eyes. Oh Lissa.

Lissa looked at Dimitri for some sort of answer, but he simply sat there. His face was guarded but I knew. I knew he felt something. Regret. Shame. Forgiving.

Dimitri was worried for me. I knew it. His eyes told me everything.

That was when I felt peaceful. I finally felt at peace with myself. With life.

He regretted what he said. He missed me just like I missed him. I tried to fight against the Strigoi but they were too strong. I needed to get out of here and run back to Lissa and Dimitri.

They needed me.

I needed them.

But this was it. I had spent months hating myself when I could have been back at the Academy.

For the first time in my life, I wanted to live. I tried my hardest to fight against the Strigoi, screaming and yelling at them to let me go but it was pointless.

Strigoi weren't forgiving. They were murderers and they were going to kill me. But I never stopped. I screamed and screamed until I couldn't anymore. I no longer had the energy to keep it up.

With one last look into Lissas head, I looked at Dimitris face and silently told both Lissa and Dimitri I loved them. I missed them and I wish more then anything I could take back everything I did.

Slowly, everything was turning black. Faces crossed my vision and dragged me into the world of the dead. I was gone. But never forgotten.

**Thanks for reading! This was just a short story because I wanted to write down a story I had in my head. **

**please review! I love reading peoples comments. (: **


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